| The following is a quiz that every American expat | | | | same hideously repetitive tune, from another |
| wannabe to Mexico should be required by Mexican | | | | dimension that is bleeding over into your reality |
| law to take. This will help you determine if moving | | | | (you hear them but they cannot ever be seen!).b. |
| to Mexico to spend the rest of your life here is | | | | Warfare-grade explosives being set off during the |
| right for you. It should be the basis whether | | | | day or night for the advent of a fiesta which |
| Mexico issues you a visa to take one step onto | | | | rattle windows, cause paintings to fall off the walls |
| Mexican soil. | | | | and jar you senseless.c. Banshee screaming men |
| 1) The following will make you run screaming for | | | | roaming the streets as soon it is daylight |
| the nearest taxi to get you to the airport for an | | | | screaming the words, "gas" and "water".d. Barking |
| emergency airlift back to the U.S.A.:a. Large | | | | dogs, crowing roosters, quacking ducks and |
| mountainous piles of dog poop on the sidewalks.b. | | | | geese, screeching parrots, honking car alarms, all |
| Pickup trucks parked in front of butcher shops | | | | going off simultaneously outside your bedroom |
| with partially slaughtered, bloodied meat in the | | | | window at all possible hours of the day or night. |
| back.c. Men, women, and children placing the snout | | | | 4) You find the following events thrilling:a. Stores |
| of a pig onto a flour or corn tortilla, wrapping it, | | | | that never open (ever) at their posted hours.b. |
| and then consuming it while making loud smacking | | | | Stores that never, ever post their hours.c. Stores |
| and squishing sounds.d. All the above. | | | | that will only carry a certain item once a year or |
| 2) The following will incite you to flapping your | | | | never again as long as you both shall live.d. Stores |
| arms like a deranged windmill, cursing madly, and | | | | that play wild music so loudly that when your wife |
| lecturing Mexicans in English (which they probably | | | | asks you something you can see her mouth |
| cannot comprehend):a. Seeing a Mexican mother | | | | move but hear nothing coming out of it. |
| serving her child a taco for breakfast rather than | | | | 5) You desire to move to Mexico is because:a. |
| Special K cereal with skim milk.b. Seeing Mexicans | | | | You want to live in an established American expat |
| eating a Styrofoam plate filled with refried beans, | | | | community where Mexicans, like slaves, wait on |
| topped with the most virulent chilies, and chips | | | | you hand and foot for the rest of your life.b. You |
| morning, noon, and night.c. Witnessing the rolling | | | | want to help Americanize another Mexican town |
| corn-on-the-cob shack woman slathering copious | | | | with all your American pathologies until the town is |
| amounts of FAT FULL mayonnaise on corn on | | | | unrecognizable as Mexican.c. You are on the lam |
| the cob and then stuffing it into the mouth of a | | | | from the law in more than one country for |
| 2-year-old.d. None of the above since you come | | | | income tax evasion.d. You want to help drive up |
| from America where more than 67% of the | | | | the prices of real estate until no Mexicans living or |
| population is fatter than hogs and so what the hell | | | | who have ever lived could possibly afford to live |
| do you know about good nutrition anyway! | | | | in their own town. |
| 3) You can tolerate the following without needing | | | | Please answer all of these questions as honestly |
| massive amounts of tranquilizers or an | | | | as possible and forward them to The President of |
| open-ended Prozac prescription:a. Invisible | | | | the Republic of Mexico (whoever that turns out |
| marching drummer and bugle bands that you can | | | | to be) in care of Mexico City, Mexico. |
| hear every night starting at 7:30 p.m., playing the | | | | Your expatriation depends on it! |